So, despite my Pentecostal upbringing, I’ve backslid… Christian wise.
Ok, I’m not saved. I haven’t been to church on a consistent basis since high school. For me, church was stressful, because it was the focal point of my life as a child. God had a lot of rules.
Kermit and Miss Piggy… Demons
Pants on a woman?!!! You must be a lesbian (apparently this also goes with cutting your hair)…
Lots of things “ain’t nothing but the Devil”
It was terrible. I couldn’t participate in a lot of things growing up… because of God. Anytime my parents said they’d pray about it, I knew what it was. God didn’t want me to get a job, go off to college, talk to people or leave home (until I met this super Christian Deacon that would sweep me off my feet). You could probably guess how things turned out. I left home, and tested all of the sins. Any failures or snags I hit in life were always because I wasn’t saved, while all of my accomplishments were because of the church. My mom adamantly reminds me that everything I do is a reflection on her. Sounds good, but I’m an adult. Just because I fornicate, doesn’t mean the sin is on you. Plus, nothing would be said if people minded their business. Isn’t gossiping a sin? I’m just saying.
Now, present day, I’ve looked into… other things…
Let’s just say Astrology…
Let’s get to the point! Due to a lot of these Christian (or maybe I should say Pentecostal, because Christianity is vast, and still expanding) beliefs, I developed a certain mind frame. There was a lot of depression because I didn’t know how to express my dissatisfaction. Mental Illness doesn’t exist in the church, those are demons. Well, I fell for it. I tried to fight it away myself, and it honestly took a mental breakdown for me to realize that I needed help. I was able to build myself up again, but I started thinking it was too late. I’m never going to succeed. I’m so far behind everyone else now. I have so much potential, and I’m using it to my advantage, but what am I doing wrong?
I can’t do this…
I can’t do that…
Okay… maybe I was still a little emo.
I would constantly ask myself was I ungrateful. I have everything I need, and I am blessed, but why am I not satisfied?
Oooh chile… God, the Universe, Allah, or whatever you believe in, has the weirdest way of putting you back in check. I didn’t feel like I had a life anyone wanted, until I met someone who wanted my life… a man at that. Jealousy is such a strong emotion. It’s crazy to me that someone can step into your life, and cause so much chaos, and then attempt to punish you.
For all of the “people only do what you let them do” people, that’s a fucking lie. People do what they want period. If someone wants to fuck you up, saying no, refusing to engage, or ignoring them… will still get you fucked up. Understand that… Disrespectful bastards, are disrespectful bastards… period!
Now, I strongly believe in karma, which is why I try to stay out of nonsense. Some people feed off of negativity, and attempting to make you miserable. People will murder your birds, stalk you, track your phone, abuse you in every way imaginable and then get mad at you for not doing anything that they thought you were doing… and will try to curse you.
Yes, curse… like witchcraft, voodoo, hoodoo… whatever
I pray, and I try to keep my area clear of crazies. These past few years have taught me a lot, and a lot of things I would do before, I don’t do now. I don’t extend myself like I used to because I’ve learned not to interfere with the natural order. I never imagined someone would try to hex my relationships, money, career, etc.
Yes, I am so serious right now, every chakra was under attack. Why? Jealousy!
Now, I was actually surprised, because I didn’t do anything, and who associates, let alone dates, someone they don’t like. The narcissism was and is real. After I got a restraining order, I was held hostage and told everything that was wrong with me… which was basically my accomplishments… because even though I worked for it, in his mind I didn’t deserve it because he didn’t have it.
It was crazy to me, but also familiar, and made me really think about my mindset. Initially, I was asking myself what is it that I have that he can’t get. Wrong question. Separation, doesn’t work… people will break into your house to do their “work”… I had to face the fact that there are people with less (yes, some people are just natural bums and don’t want to work for what they need and want), and there are also people who want to take you out for just being. Sad, but unfortunately, true.
I talked to my mom, which I rarely do because she talks too much, but her response was “It’s your fault. God doesn’t want you dating because you have a child.” Take that however you want.
Days of meditation, praying, and cleansing…
I’ve been in hermit mode for a while, trying to plan, snap out of things, and move forward. I’ve been thinking and clearing my mind. I still have so many adjustments to make, but I’m ready for it.
Avoid the demons, they’re out there!
P.S.- For a second, I considered a “return to sender”, or maybe Psalms 109, but I honestly don’t want to collect any extra negative karma than I have to.