The Struggle of Ascension

Well, I’ve managed to make a lot of changes these past couple of seasons, surprisingly.  This has indeed been a trying year, and I’ve questioned myself a lot.  Clearly, I’ve had the time to.  I’ve let go of certain situations that I thought would leave me feeling lost, but it was actually freeing.  Realizing that there is a certain way that I would like to live my life, versus how I’m living it, pushed my anxiety through the roof.  Why?  I’m highly self critical, and usually aware of my internal feelings… not that I express them a lot.

I have been playing Clue with my damn life experiences.  I suppose the good part is that I’m acknowledging, but when I began to dig deep I often run into roads where I opened up a bunch of bullshit for myself, and either accepted it, or ignored it.  Completely my fault.  Now, the biggest issue I’ve had with this is understanding or knowing when to acknowledge when it isn’t me.  I could have transferred $200 from my bank account to that of an acquaintance, and haphazardly end up $600 short, because of some undercover scam that they were pulling on me the entire time.  Normally, the people I’ve come in contact with, will be angry and lewd, but somehow in my mind it translates as “well you did transfer from your bank account, hence giving them complete access to your personal finances, so yeah girl… that’s your fault”.  Sounds stupid and unbelievable, but it’s more of a conditioning.  There have been many situations, where I’ve felt shortchanged due to situations.  

  1. )  If something happens to you, no matter what, it’s your fault.
  2. )  You are more obligated to others, than they are towards you.
  3. )  Never complain, because that makes you seem angry, and no one will want to deal with you.

Now, mind you, a lot of these things were instilled in me through people I’d allowed close to me, and the shit ultimately just benefited them.  Somehow, I did allow myself to fall into the way things were, because why would they lie?  A person that has been near you for so long, that knows your mannerisms and patterns?  I’d take it as positive feedback, but was never really happy with it, because my point was never understood.  Another tricky thing was the fact that everyone was basically coming at me from the same angle.  Everyone isn’t lying, so there must be some truth in what they are saying.  I’ve supported those close to me, only to be told that they couldn’t in turn support me because I was too mean, and antisocial.  I’ve helped others, but have been told that I’m too strong to help and I always make a way.  Being that I’m already so hard on myself mentally, this really sat on my mind and heart.  Maybe I should just changed for the benefit of those around me, because for some reason I was too desperate, I guess, and was too busy blaming myself to realize that I probably was all of those things before I helped you.  Granted, I can acknowledge the narrative.  I always treated the outsiders as such… outsiders.  I had a certain level of loyalty for those around me, because there aren’t a lot of them.  Wouldn’t you know, the ones that I were so passive towards treated and understood me better, than the ones I’d chosen to invest in.  So basically, in the mind of a naïve young woman, they’ll treat me the way I treat them, because we are “this”.  

Technically, we’re nothing.

My openness and willingness towards those close to me has always been evident.  I was more dedicated to them, than I was to myself, hence, I’ve taken on the burdens of others and myself.  Eventually, however, you look around and see where they are versus where you are, and you realize that the time you spent helping someone speed up their process, you could have spent working on your own.  This is something that I’ve always known, I suppose, but there’s a big difference between knowing and accepting.  I finally accepted it, despite being raised, and conditioned, to give so much of myself, because that’s what is right, and expect nothing.  I wanted reciprocity.

And all hell broke loose…

There seems to be no better way to piss a person off, other than saying no, falling back, or just stopping altogether.  It seemed as though (less seeming, more like it definitely is) everyone was fine, as long as I was open, but never have the audacity to want anything back, outside of a conversation, and I was hardly ever keen on that.  Suddenly there’s less acknowledgment of the loyalty, and more focus on what I could do, couldn’t do, and what my problem is.  When I factor in time, I ask myself how it went on for so long.  Me, personally, I have an extremely hard time faking my emotions, and when I try I wind up becoming drained.  I don’t understand how someone could keep something like that under wraps for so long, but maybe it just isn’t to be understood.  All in all, I realize that a lot of the criticism I’d given myself was based on the expressions of others, as well as, what I could do for others.  Now, I did open myself up to these experiences when I began to doubt myself.  I made the pie, and they were the cool whip.  Have no fear, I’m working on it.  Knowing that all it takes it a confidence crack to completely throw me off of my game is concerning.  I’m not aiming to be strong, and I wish people would stop telling me that shit.  It’s all about support and equality for me.

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