Life is Comical…

My brain is typically a hectic place.  I’m consistently analyzing and stressing over the smallest things.  It didn’t used to be so bad, but with great power comes great responsibility right?  Not that I’m a god or anything, but I try to push myself to that level of perfection.

It never works.

Time has been passing intermediately, and it’s making me weary.  I typically sit with my thoughts, and before the pandemic it was easy.  My introvert only operates at full capacity if I can have at least one day in the human world, sadly.  Though I never initiate or really even engage in conversation when I go out, people love to speak.  I appreciate the courtesy, but it was like conversation overload for a person going from ten percent sociability to a strong ninety.  I’m like a ‘79 Pinto, I take time to warm up.

The irony of the entire situation is somehow I’ve learned to appreciate things that I don’t like during this whole situation.  Granted, I’m not hosting any cookouts or talking on the phone until midnight… the devil is a lie.  However, it pains me to say that it’s highly possible I need human contact.  I can hear people with their “duhs”, and “are you serious” comments.  Yes, I absolutely am.  I don’t usually relate to a lot of people, but when I look back on my life, though I haven’t said a lot to a lot of people, I realize that the small portion I did say was kind of therapeutic in my own way.

Now that I’ve relocated, I lack a circle, and I hate talking on the phone, I’ve had to create ways to clear my mind.  Meditation is great, but I can only sit in silence so long before I either grow bored, or my daughter breaks into my room and stares me out of it.  I have exercise, and that’s been great, but I want to jog in God’s air.  This has lead me to look into other things.  There’s an easel and a kiln of the way from an Amazon distributor.  I’ve always leaned toward creative outlets; something pretty, unusual and useful.  I don’t doubt the impossibility of being able to completely empty my brain.  I just want to knock some things down.  I suppose that is a positive in all this, being that I realize that I do want more than just my career, being an excellent mother, and a scholar.  My life has been geared more towards working and success, but when that’s taken away what else is left.  

With all of that said, I also realize that I am changing.  Everything I’ve geared myself towards being, I now have no interest in, which sucks when you’re 33 and realizing you are about to reset your entire life.  There are definitely confidence veiled doubts as I continuously ask myself whether it’s worth it or am I making a huge mistake.  Despite all of this, I’ve pushed myself into it… uncertainties and all.  I realize it usually takes time to see the results of your work, before you know that you’ve made the right decision.  I’m not a codependent person by nature, but I ask myself whether or not my doubts stem from a lack of support.  It’s possible, but I can’t let that hold me back.  I pray for the best for myself, and anyone else who’s been kicked in the head by reality and change.

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