My brain is typically a hectic place. I’m consistently analyzing and stressing over the smallest things. It didn’t used to be so bad, but with great power comes great responsibility right? Not that I’m a god or anything, but I try to push myself to that level of perfection.
It never works.
Time has been passing intermediately, and it’s making me weary. I typically sit with my thoughts, and before the pandemic it was easy. My introvert only operates at full capacity if I can have at least one day in the human world, sadly. Though I never initiate or really even engage in conversation when I go out, people love to speak. I appreciate the courtesy, but it was like conversation overload for a person going from ten percent sociability to a strong ninety. I’m like a ‘79 Pinto, I take time to warm up.
The irony of the entire situation is somehow I’ve learned to appreciate things that I don’t like during this whole situation. Granted, I’m not hosting any cookouts or talking on the phone until midnight… the devil is a lie. However, it pains me to say that it’s highly possible I need human contact. I can hear people with their “duhs”, and “are you serious” comments. Yes, I absolutely am. I don’t usually relate to a lot of people, but when I look back on my life, though I haven’t said a lot to a lot of people, I realize that the small portion I did say was kind of therapeutic in my own way.
Now that I’ve relocated, I lack a circle, and I hate talking on the phone, I’ve had to create ways to clear my mind. Meditation is great, but I can only sit in silence so long before I either grow bored, or my daughter breaks into my room and stares me out of it. I have exercise, and that’s been great, but I want to jog in God’s air. This has lead me to look into other things. There’s an easel and a kiln of the way from an Amazon distributor. I’ve always leaned toward creative outlets; something pretty, unusual and useful. I don’t doubt the impossibility of being able to completely empty my brain. I just want to knock some things down. I suppose that is a positive in all this, being that I realize that I do want more than just my career, being an excellent mother, and a scholar. My life has been geared more towards working and success, but when that’s taken away what else is left.
With all of that said, I also realize that I am changing. Everything I’ve geared myself towards being, I now have no interest in, which sucks when you’re 33 and realizing you are about to reset your entire life. There are definitely confidence veiled doubts as I continuously ask myself whether it’s worth it or am I making a huge mistake. Despite all of this, I’ve pushed myself into it… uncertainties and all. I realize it usually takes time to see the results of your work, before you know that you’ve made the right decision. I’m not a codependent person by nature, but I ask myself whether or not my doubts stem from a lack of support. It’s possible, but I can’t let that hold me back. I pray for the best for myself, and anyone else who’s been kicked in the head by reality and change.